After mentioning Tomas Lurgsy’s pet wolverine a week or so ago (here and here) this blog has been inundated by those desiring a wolverine of their own. ‘Buy skunk juice’ used to be a highly popular search term around here; ‘buy pet wolverine’ is clearly the new kid in town. Barely a day goes by without a potential pet wolverine buyer ending up at this site, only to leave (no doubt) with disappointment written all over their strange little faces. The idea that people should wish to purchase skunk juice used to concern me deeply; the concept of someone wanting to buy a wolverine – an animal primarily celebrated for its violent streak – is equally disturbing. Lurgsy’s experience should not be setting a precedent: he was a half-crazed Bulgarian poet – not someone whose behaviour we should be wilfully imitating. Indeed, Pyetr Turgidovsky aside, I can think of few less worthy role models.
In short, allow me to be blunt with you, dear deluded readers. If you want to buy a wolverine, this is not the place. Perhaps other places are (or claim they are) ‘the place’. Should that be the case, however, I implore you to stop for a minute, take a deep breath, and exercise that damp, pulsing, slimy grey stuff that sits within your skull. Consider your options carefully. Do you really want an animal nicknamed ‘glutton’ or ‘skunk bear’ to share a house with you, or would you prefer something a little more docile (a cat, perhaps)? A wolverine, remember, is not only an endangered species, but an animal likely to put in its owner in no small danger. Examine this image, if you will. Replace the rock with your living room sofa. Now, answer me carefully: do you still want to buy a wolverine?
Oh, I see. Well, have it your way then…
[Whilst we’re on the subject of wolverines, this came up a few weeks ago. Visit ye, visit ye..]